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can learn a lot about how each party sees a dispute by paying attention to body language and listening closely not only to their words but also to the emotional tone behind their words," Krivis said. "If you give them the opportunity, most people involved in a dispute will gladly talk about themselves, which gives you a chance to ask more questions and gain more information about their perspective. Once you see things from their point of view, you can stay one step ahead of them by anticipating how they might react and managing the negotiation accordingly."
7. Look for That Cooperative Environment
Think creatively about the ways people can cooperate rather than clash. In every negotiation, there is a tension between the desire to compete and the desire to cooperate. Be on the lookout for signals that support a cooperative environment. That's where the most creative solutions are born.
8. Edit the Script
"Edit the script" to help people see their situation in a different light. "People tend to get stuck in their positions because they are telling what happened from a narrow viewpoint and in a negative and hopeless tone," Krivis said. "They've relayed their story over and over again, and their perception has become their reality. They can't see the situation any other way unless you help them to do so.
"As the mediator, you can take a larger view that looks not at one party or the other 'winning, but at both parties working toward a mutual goal," he continued. "One way to help them get to this goal is to edit their script-retell their story about the dispute as a positive, forward-looking construction. In this way, you literally give them the words to see their options in a new light."
9. Avoid the "Winner's Curse" by Carefully Pacing Negotiation
Believe it or not, it is possible to reach a solution too quickly. We all have an inner clock that lets us know how long a negotiation should take. When a deal seems too easy, a kind of buyer's remorse can set in that leaves people with second thoughts about the outcome. One or both parties may be left with the feeling that if things had moved more slowly, they might have cut a better deal. Here's the bottom line, said Krivis: Don't rush the dance or the negotiation will fail. "Even when you know you can wrap things up quickly, it's to everyone's advantage to keep the negotiation proceeding normally, for a reasonable amount of time, before the inevitable settlement," he advised.
10. Realize That Every Conflict Can't be Solved
What if you've tried and tried to help two warring factions find a fair solution and you just can't? It may sound odd coming from a mediator, but Krivis points out that some conflicts just aren't winnable. "Not every negotiation is going to have a win-win outcome," he said. "Not everyone can live together in harmony. There are times you just have to accept that both parties are going to leave the table equally unhappy. When you've mediated enough conflicts, you will know in your gut when that time has arrived. Isolate the participants if possible and just move on."
All this talk of well-paced dances, inner clocks and gut feelings may seem alien to "just the facts" business types, but Krivis said you'd better get comfortable with the idea that there are no hard and fast rules. Negotiation is all about going with the flow and seizing opportunities as they arise. You can familiarize yourself with the tools, but there's no substitute for jumping right in.
Jeffrey Krivis has been a successful mediator and a pioneer in the field for 16 years. He has served as the president of the International Academy of Mediators and the Southern California Mediation Association. Krivis is on the board of visitors of Pepperdine Law School and serves as an adjunct professor of law at the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution. In 1993, he received the Dispute Resolution Lawyer of the Year Award, Contact him via his website, www.firstmediation.com.
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